Ever find yourself at a loss for words when someone you care about is hurting? Unlock the secret to providing the right support with a simple, transformative question we delve into on the Winning Edge Coach Podcast.
Kevin, brings to light how asking “Do you want to be helped, heard, or hugged?” can revolutionize the way you communicate with loved ones. Drawing inspiration from Jancee Dunn's poignant article, we explore how this approach offers control to the person in distress and caters to their emotional needs, potentially changing the game in both educational settings and personal relationships.
This episode isn't just about a question—it's an insightful journey into the heart of human connection. We dissect the profound gender communication differences illuminated by Deborah Tannen and John Gray, understanding why the men in your life are wired to 'fix' and how women may simply seek an empathetic ear.
We delve into Dr. Elizabeth Easton's expert opinion on the subject, enhancing our conversation with the psychological perspective on emotional nuances.
So, if you're ready to navigate the complex terrain of emotions and communication with grace, join us for an episode that promises to enrich your relationships with depth, empathy, and understanding.
Kevin:
Everybody. Welcome back to the Winning Edge Coach Podcast, where I aim to give you the tools, tactics and techniques to achieve success in every aspect of your life. I'm your host, kevin Oakley. In this episode, I want to share with you a communication technique that can revolutionize how you navigate emotional moments with your loved ones. And to all the men out there who listen to the podcast, this is one episode you may want to listen to. Welcome to the Winning Edge Coach Podcast. I am Kevin Oakley. As well as being your host, I'm also a peak performance mindset and life coach. In each episode, I want to share with you the tools, tactics and techniques to create a winning edge mindset to help you to live the life you were meant to live.
Kevin:
This episode is inspired by an article by Jancy Dunn in the New York Times at some point last year. It's about a question that changed the dynamic of a relationship with a husband. It's a question that can transform the way we support those we care about, whether they're children, partners or friends. In the article, jancy shares the story of her sister, heather, a special education teacher, who was facing a tough week at school. Some of her students were struggling emotionally and she needed a way to help them feel heard and supported. What did she do? She asked one simple question Do you want to be helped, heard or hugged? This question, initially used in the classroom, turned out to be a game changer for Jancy and her husband, tom. Instead of rushing to offer solutions when one of them was upset, they began asking each other the same question, and the results were remarkable. Power of this question lies in its ability to give someone control over how they receive support. The reason this question resonated with me was because, as a man, I tend to jump in with solution. I'm solution orientated, solution focused, and my way of feeling like I'm supporting my partner, my wife, is to offer solutions. So picture this your partner comes to you with something that is bothering her. It could be a problem at work, an issue with a friend or something someone has said to her. At this point, she may be looking for support and understanding, but instead of diving into the emotional depths, you find yourself instinctively trying to solve the problem at hand, identifying it, brainstorming solutions.
Kevin:
Research paints an intriguing picture of how men and women navigate relationship issues differently. Studies suggest that men often lean towards a problem-solving approach. Deborah Tan, a renowned linguistic professor at Georgetown University has dedicated significant research to gender differences in communication styles. Her work sheds light on how men and women express themselves differently during conversations. Let's delve into some of the key aspects of her research. She termed it gender-legged styles. Tannen coined the term gender-legged to describe the distinct conversational styles associated with each gender. She emphasised that these styles are equally valid and should not be seen as inferior or superior ways of speaking. In her view, men and women sometimes feel like they are speaking different languages due to their unique approaches to communication.
Kevin:
Tynan's book you Just Don't Understand Women and Men in Conversation, published in 1990, explores how men and women interpret messages along different dimensions. Women often seek empathy and emotional connection during their conversations. Men tend to focus more on problem solving and assertiveness. These differing interpretations can lead to misunderstandings between the sexes. John Gray, a prominent relationship counsellor and author, gained widespread recognition for his book Men Are From Mars, women Are From Venus, published in 1992. Let's have a look at some of the key insights from his work. Ray's book also highlights how men and women approach problem solving differently.
Kevin:
Men we tend to prioritise finding solutions and fixing problems. When faced with an issue, men often focus on practical steps to resolve it, women. They may emphasize emotional support and understanding. For women, discussing problems serves as a way to connect emotionally and seek empathy rather than solely seeking solutions. Now don't get me wrong. This problem solving strategy has its perks. It's action-orientated, focused and can lead to tangible results. But here's the catch it might overlook the emotional nuances that underpin many relationship issues. It's like trying to assemble a puzzle without paying attention to the colours and shapes. It might fit, but does it truly make sense?
Kevin:
Doctor Elizabeth Easton, a psychotherapy director, emphasized the importance of tailoring our responses to the specific emotions at hand. What works for one emotion may not work for another emotion, say, such as frustration and vice versa. Understanding this can prevent further escalations of emotions and foster healthier communication. Just because you want to come up with solutions to fix things doesn't mean your partner wants the same. Communication and empathy are key. It's also essential to recognise that some people just need to vent or sit with their emotions without immediately seeking solutions. Clinical psychologist Frank Castro explains that asking if somebody wants help to be heard or hugged shows empathy and respects their needs.
Kevin:
I felt that the help heard or hug question needed changing better suit my style of communication and also to give it a much more mature tone. So I've sort of experimented with the question and trialed a few different options. In the end I've come up with this style of question that mirrors the hug, help listen type question, but I feel it better suits my personality and my communication style and also it just feels a little bit more mature, a bit more grown up. So my question when my partner comes to me and she's upset or she wants to talk about something else, this how can I best support you right now? Do you need me to listen? Do you want me to help you come up with solutions, or do you just need a hug? So the next time Someone you love is upset whether it's your partner, child, friend, even Remember this powerful question how can I best support you right now? Do you need me to just listen? Do you want me to come up with solutions, or do you want me to help you come up with solutions, or do you just need a hug?
Kevin:
It's not just a question. It's an opportunity for the other person to choose your response and helps you to show empathy and understanding and it also frames the conversation in terms of if they just want you to listen. It gives you an opportunity to know that you need to sit there and listen, and by listen I mean actively listen, not listening to come up with your response Just there. Listen, listen to what they're saying, listen to the tone, listen to what they're not saying. What is not there in the words they're saying, maybe in their body language, the facial features, et cetera. And then, if it is help, do it on their terms. Don't just jump in with the solutions. Adopt a more open style and use an opportunity to brainstorm and just generally bounce ideas together. And, of course, if they just want a hug, make sure it's a proper hug. It needs to be at least seven seconds long, just so you get that oxytocin going. But the key with that one is, if you're going for the seven second hug, the one thing to remember is don't count out loud while you're doing it.
Kevin:
That's it for today's episode. Give that question a go. Give them the opportunity for your partner, spouse, child, friend to actually tell you what they're looking for. Go out, give that question a go. Do you need me to just listen? Do you want me to help you come up with solutions, or do you just need a hug? Let me know how you get on, post some comments, let me know. Post some comments. Let me know.
Kevin:
One last thing before we go there's one totally free way, no commitment way that you can support the podcast and that is by just simply hitting the subscribe button. That basically gets us seen, gets us noticed and it's totally free to you, helps me and helps the show. So if you get two seconds, just hit that subscribe button and know you're helping to promote the podcast. That was the Winning Edge Coach podcast. Thanks for listening. If you enjoyed this episode of the Winning Edge Coach podcast and you'd like to help support the podcast, please hit the subscribe button and, if possible, leave a rating or a review. Also, please feel free to share the podcast. Please hit the subscribe button and, if possible, leave a rating or a review. Also, please feel free to share the podcast with others and post about it on your favourite social media platform. To catch all the latest from me, you can follow me on Twitter at winningedgepod. Thanks again, I'll see you next time.