The Winning Edge Coach Podcast

Living a Life Without Regrets: Insights from Hospice Nurse Julie McFadden

• Kevin Oakley • Season 1 • Episode 86

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This episode dives into the top three regrets people frequently express on their deathbeds and how these realizations can guide us towards living more meaningful lives. The discussion centres around appreciating health, balancing work with personal life, and nurturing authentic relationships with loved ones.

• Regret about not appreciating health before it was gone 
• Working too much at the expense of personal fulfillment 
• Importance of nurturing relationships and expressing love 
• Encouragement to live authentically and address grievances promptly 
• Reflecting on mortality as a means to enhance gratitude and purpose in life

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Speaker 1:

Welcome back to another episode of the Winning Edge Coach Podcast. I'm your host, kevin Oakley, and, as always, I'm here to provide you with the tools, tactics and techniques to help you to unlock your true potential. Today, we're diving into a topic that might seem uncomfortable at first, but has the power to transform how we approach our daily lives. We'll be discussing the top three regrets people have on their deathbeds and what insights these can teach us about living life meaningfully, and I think it's important, as another year draws to a close as I'm recording this podcast in december 2024 and the new year not or the end of the year, rather not being far away that we take stock sometimes and pause and actually spend a bit of meaningful time looking where we are with our lives and are we achieving what we set out to do? Welcome to the winning edge coach podcast. I am Kevin Oakley. As well as being your host, I'm also a peak performance mindset and life coach. In each episode, I want to share with you the tools, tactics and techniques to create a winning edge mindset to help you to live the life you were meant to live. The topic we're going to be exploring today is inspired by the work of Julie McFadden, a hospice nurse with 16 years of experience, including eight years in hospice and palliative care. Julie's unique perspective offers us valuable insights into how we can live better, more fulfilling lives.

Speaker 1:

Now I know you're asking, or might be thinking even why on earth are we talking about death on a podcast that's about exploiting our true potential? Well, here's the thing Talking about death and thinking about our own mortality can actually help us live better and more meaningfully. As Julie puts it, what we resist persists. By facing our fears and acknowledging our finite time on this planet Earth, we can gain clarity on what truly matters to us. And, as I said in the intro, as another year begins to draw to a close, sometimes it's worth taking stock, because the time can fly by so quickly. Before you know it, one year has become five years, five years has become 10 years In some cases. Before you know it, you're then at the end of your life. Potentially, if you're lucky, you could be lying there on your deathbed with time to consider. Is my life on track or moving in the direction that I wanted to? Am I doing the things I want to do? Are my relationships in the right place? Because life passes very quickly and before you know it you might have run out of road and have no opportunity to put those matters right. I think that's why the work of Julie McFadden is so insightful.

Speaker 1:

During her time as an hospice and palliative nurse, she has noticed or noted even the top three regrets of people when they are actually at the end of their life. So let's dive in. And the first most common regret that Julie hears from people she is nursing in either the hospice setting or in palliative care. First regret, or the most common regret, is that people wish they had appreciated their health when they actually had good health. Many of her patients expressed that they didn't understand how lucky they were to have a healthy body. And it's true. When we're young, we actually take for granted the fact that we've got a healthy body or the majority of us do anyway that we've got a healthy body that does what we need it to do, and we just take it for granted.

Speaker 1:

There's an interesting stat If you look at health span. Now, a health span is the period of life spent in good health, and it's really important metric If you think, if you're considering the time you're going to have to be able to be active and do the things you want to do. Health span is very important and I've had a look at some of the recent stats or statistics for the UK, and in the UK health life expectancy is actually from birth to 62.4 years for a man and 62.7 years for a lady or for a woman. That is a startling statistic If you think at the moment in the UK, in 2024, the retirement age is 66. It is soon to move to 67. So actually, before in the UK you even reach retirement age, your health is not going to be 100%. And what do a lot of people do? They look forward to their retirement years as a time to do the things they could not do when they were working. And lo and behold what is going to happen. They are actually going to find themselves in those retirement years and poor health and not being able to do it, what they want to do, whatever that may be, whether it's seeing the world, doing hobbies or pastimes they once wanted. You know they thought they would have time to do when they retired.

Speaker 1:

For me, this regret has two powerful lessons. The first lesson is especially when you're young, but as you move into middle age, et cetera is to take very good care of your body. Make sure that you're fueling it correctly and putting the right foods into your body. And secondly, well, the other part of that is exercise. Make sure that you are moving your body in terms of and I found my personal experience that there's two sides to that taking care of your body from an exercise point of view. One is resistance or weight training. The other one is making sure that your aerobic capacity or your VO2 max, the way your body can consume and use oxygen, is maintained.

Speaker 1:

As we grow older, we lose muscle mass. It's called sarcopenia and it happens to us all. But by actually just spending a bit of time doing it doesn't have to be intensive a bit of weight training, whatever you can maintain your muscle mass and maintain your health span. So the other factor here is we don't always appreciate or be grateful for what we have, and it's good, especially when you're young, middle-aged, to actually take a moment and appreciate the small things the taste of coffee, the sunlight on your face, your ability to move, have an appetite, be able to speak to others. These are the things we often take for granted until they're gone. As you move through life, especially getting into the later years, some of the things we take for granted now will gradually begin to fade. Your hearing will probably not be what it was when you're younger, your sense of taste will go, your sense of smell would more likely go, and your vision, whether that be the ability to read or actually see things at distance. These things are going to decline. As I said, you're going to lose muscle mass. It's good sometimes to actually take a step back and appreciate what you've got now. Cultivate this appreciation. Try asking yourself daily if I knew I'd die in six months, what would I change in my life now? This exercise can actually help clarify your priorities and nudge you towards appreciating the small developments of your everyday life.

Speaker 1:

The second most common regret Julie hears from her patients is they wish they hadn't worked their lives away. Many express the regret about spending too much time at work at the expense of other aspects of their life. Now I know what you're thinking. You're thinking you're saying, kev, I've got bills to pay, I've got responsibilities to meet. But here's the key it's about finding moments of joy and meaning, even in a busy work schedule. Some of us have to work all the time just because of the world we live in, but think you can still live a fulfilled life even if you are busy On a daily basis. Heat out moments where you can actually do things you enjoy. Because overworking has a cost, these could be missed opportunities. That's not having the time to spend with family members, events, your children's key milestone moments. You will never get those back. You can never recreate those. Money will not buy back the time you miss with your children, the chances to actually create memories with your loved ones and again, I'm recording this podcast in December the opportunity to create memories for your children when they're young around Christmas time, which they will look back on fondly when they're older.

Speaker 1:

The other consequence is your health. Chronic overwork with stress can lead to burnout and other stress-related illnesses and a decline in physical and mental health. The other factor is the strain on your relationship. Neglecting your personal relationships due to work commitments can lead to feelings of isolation and disconnection from loved ones and impact on those relationships and impact on your marriage. And what's the other one is that loss of personal identity. When work becomes all-consuming, you may lose touch with your personal interests, your hobbies, your sense of the self outside of your professional role.

Speaker 1:

So how can you find balance in a world that's so busy where work is all consuming. Well, first of all is to prioritize non-work time Deliberately set aside time for family, friends and personal pursuits. Treat this time as seriously as you would your work commitments. I've said many times on the podcast we are social animals. We need to spend time with family, with friends, to actually almost feel complete. Just by eking out that time and making a commitment as serious as it was if it was a work commitment will not only help you to recharge and, to a certain extent, is an antidote to the burnout and stress-related conditions of overwork. It will also meet that inner need to connect with others and be part of a group. It's almost a primeval calling to be part of a tribe and spending time with loved ones, family, actually meets that need. Another important way to find balance is by practicing mindfulness, being present in the moment. Sometimes, when you're tied up in your work, you get lost in that hubbub and that drive to produce, whereas eking out moments of mindfulness, even during working hours, can help you appreciate the small things in daily life, those little joys.

Speaker 1:

The next tip is to set boundaries, establish clear work-life boundaries. A good example is not checking emails outside of work hours or dedicating your weekends as personal time where you pursue your personal interests, the things that you want to do, and, on the back of that, pursue your passions. Engage in hobbies or interests that maintain a sense of your personal fulfillment and identity. It's important to remember who you are outside of your professional role, so pursuing those passions, wherever that may be whether it's sport, a creative hobby helps you to maintain your identity. Invest in your relationships. Invest time and energy nurturing meaningful relationships, as these often provide the most satisfaction in your life, more so than your profession. Spend time with your spouse Again. Set the boundaries, make a commitment that's non-negotiable. Do the date night, do the movie night and, lastly, re-evaluate or reassess your priorities regularly. Evaluating your life goals and ensure your daily actions align with what truly matters for you can help to transform your life.

Speaker 1:

The third major regret revolves around relationships. Julie reports that patients often express regret about not saying sorry when they should have, not reconnecting with estranged family members sooner or caring too much about what others thought. Essentially, not living the life they wanted, but living the life people around them expected. How many people do you know or maybe it's happened to yourself that the profession you're in is the profession that your parents wanted you to pursue or you felt they expected you to pursue. This regret teaches the importance of authenticity in our relationships.

Speaker 1:

Don't be afraid to have difficult conversations or to apologize when needed. It's important to remember with anybody we're with, we only have that moment. The future is guaranteed for no one I can remember seeing written down once a saying that goes yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That is why they call it the present. Take the opportunity to tell somebody you love them, take the opportunity to apologise for something you've done, because tomorrow is not a given. And who's to say that you'll have the opportunity to do it? Because you may not be here, or, heaven forbid, they may not be here. The only moment you have is now, and you need to seize that moment and tell somebody that you're sorry or whatever it may be that you feel you need to say, because you might not get that chance tomorrow.

Speaker 1:

As we wrap up this episode, I want to leave you with one final thought. Reflecting on our mortality doesn't have to be morbid or frightening. Instead, it can be a powerful tool for living a more meaningful and purposeful life. As Julie reminds us. We're not going to always have our health. We're not always going to be alive. Let that awareness fuel your gratitude for the here and now. I encourage everybody listening to this episode to take a moment to reflect on what you've heard today and consider how you might apply these lessons to your own life. Remember it's never too late to start living more intentionally and meaningfully.

Speaker 1:

That's it for today's episode of the Winning Edge podcast. Until next time. That was the Winning Edge Coach podcast. Thanks for listening. If you enjoyed this episode of the Winning Edge Coach podcast and you'd like to help support the podcast, please hit the subscribe button and, if possible, leave a rating or a review. Also, please feel free to share the podcast with others and post about it on your favourite social media platform. To catch all the latest from me, you can follow me on Twitter at winningedgepod. Thanks again. I'll see you next time.